How Strict Are You?
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- March
- 20
Don’t judge me (at least not yet!) but I let my 14-year-old daughter, Corey dye her hair with a streak (ok; three streaks) of hot pink. Ok…I didn’t officially “let” her—she sortof did it herself (with three other girlfriends) but I have to say: I don’t mind. Better that then a bellybutton piercing or underage drinking. Still….I have to admit some of my friends were horrified. Which made me think: am I not strict enough?
Other things I may do “wrong:”
She doesn’t have a curfew…yet she knows she has to check in with me NUMEROUS times throughout an evening…and generally doesn’t stay out past 11 p.m.
She has unlimited minutes on her cell phone though texting is another charge (and one I’m always admonishing her about).
I don’t care that her room is a mess—make that a catastrophe —though I do ask if she can try to contain her mess to her “area.”
I let her go into the City by train (with girlfriends), though she must be home before it gets dark out.
Mainly, what I think I do “right:”
I’m open and honest with her.
I give her space, without too much freedom.
I let her know I will always pick her up—no questions asked!
I have a “code” with her if she finds herself in an uncomfortable situation.
I let her know this teenage thing is a painful process for both of us. But it’s also a learning curve and a challenge unlike one I’ve ever had.
Anyone else have some advice re: the teenage years and how to cope? how strict to be? yada, yada…??
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on Tuesday, March 20th, 2007 at 1:04 pm by Jeanne Muchnick.
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She’s 14. not 18. no curfew?! i had a curfew up to 17. and i am a guy! unlimited cell phone. i have 3 kids. that is not happening.
Sorry i am on the more strict side, fair but strict. why?
Rules have reasons and those reasons are to prevent the child from making a bad choice, so we have to make that choice for them. my son at a very early age hated the rules and wanted a choice. so for one day i gave him that. right off he made a poor choice and said “dad that wasnt fair that was a hard choice” I told him thats right and the choices get harder, that why for now you have rules so we make the hard choices for you so you dont make a bad choice.
BTW the choice was watching a tv show or sitting and eating dinner. he chose the show which ended 10 minutes after he chose it. then he walked in and thought he was eating. Nope. it was hard but he had to learn. Lesson learned.
too strict? well when any of them gripe about the rules i ask so you want to make choices yet? they all say no not yet. As a result depending on the situation I allow them to make a choice…Free reign at a barely teen age is not a good thing. IMHO.
One rule I’ve learned about parenting teenagers – do not negotiate. If you voice a rule, feel free to add commentary about why you have that rule, but do not enter into a negotiation with your 14 year old and change the rule. At that point, everything is up for negotiation. Of course, that means you have to give serious thought to any rule you put in place and make sure it’s reasonable and fair, but (IMHO) you should be doing that anyway.
My husband used to be a teacher at a Catholic School. One of the philosophies he discussed with the principal of that school is why she made it such a BIG deal when the kids didn’t pull their socks up. Her response was that although it truly wasn’t a big deal it did keep them from doing even “worse” things because they seemed so much bigger. If that makes sense. Basically the point is that kids WANT boundaries and more than that they need to have parents who are more focused on being “good” parents than “cool” parents. I plan to be as strict as I need to be with my kids, and yet let them know that if they are responsible and trustworthy they will be rewarded for it.
Not knowing your daughter I assume she is not one to push the envelope. But a lot of kids – GOOD kids – do this at one time or another. It’s important that the envelope isn’t WIDE open if and when they decide to test you.
As for your specific issues – the messy room, going to the city via train with friends (assuming they are responsible & you know them well) and even the streaks in the hair don’t bother me. The unlimited cell phone minutes do, only because I think that i think unlimited anything is not a good idea until a kid is helping to foot the bill.
OH one more thing, I think it is EXTREMELY important for kids to have a curfew. And a 14 year old out until 11pm? No way, sorry :).
My mom also never made a huge deal that I clean my room. Literally I was never asked to make my bed or pick up my clothes and if I had a glass or a plate of food sitting on my desk it could be there for weeks…
When I went off to college and my roommate found out I was a SLOB it was a point of real embarassment for me. It got to the point where I found out that some of the girls in my dorm were actually making fun of me before the lightbulb went on and I thought “Wow you better start to CLEAN up after yourself!”
I felt that this was a lesson that maybe would have been kind of a pain for my mom to teach me (as she also worked and probably just didn’t want to deal with it) – but it could have helped me learn some important social skills for when I was living on my own. Just a thought.
you are wrong.
it was four other friends.
it was two streaks.
& i usally only stay at a friends house until 10:30 unless dad wants to be nice and isnt tired =]
see haha i found your site so you better get your info right