Too Young for Discipline?
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- April
- 30
The other day, I gave my son his first time-out. Granted, Owen is just nine months old, but he had it coming. We were playing on the floor and he reached up and hit me. I looked at him and said, “No, you have to be nice.” Then I took his hand and illustrated nice with soft strokes on my cheek. He looked at me, with a devilish look in his eye, and then hit me harder. “No,” I said again. And then before I could say anything else, he hit me again. I picked him up and put him in his pack and play for a minute, saying my original message about being nice. He cried. He knew it was a form of punishment. After a minute, I picked him up and we started playing again. There was no more hitting. Later, however, when I relayed the story to my husband, he said, “Isn’t he a little young for that?” The truth is, I don’t really know. However, I do know my son is starting to express preferences for things, which indicates some level of understanding. He also responds when we cheer him on and he does usually respond, in some way, to the word, “No.” When I put him in his pack and play, I did it because I felt like Owen understood what I was asking and he was deliberately defying me. Maybe I’ve over-thought it; I suppose it does seem crazy to punish a nine-month old. What do you think?
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on Monday, April 30th, 2007 at 11:25 am by Mary Lynn Mitcham.
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I think that only you and his father know what he’s capable of understanding and what he isn’t. If you believe he understood what was happening then I believe it was totally an appropriate thing to do. You didn’t hit him back, you gave him positive reinforcement, three times no less – and then gave him consequences. You just have to be consistent with it from now on. The sooner they learn manners and the difference between acceptable/non-acceptable behavior (a.k.a. “the line”), the better off you’re all going to be. My sister was much more lenient with her children than I was but as a result I can take my kids absolutely anywhere without the fear of them making a scene, etc. They know where “the line” is and they don’t cross it. Well, in public, at least…
I think you can ABSOLUTELY teach a 9 month old correct behavior patterns. I would hesitate at the word “punish” – but they are learning so much every day…it’s really more “teaching”. I don’t remember how old she was exactly, but I was definitely disciplining my daughter from a very early age. She had a thing about standing up in her high chair. Whenever she did it I would say, “Dori, sit down. I’m counting to three…one…two…three…” at which point I would (gently) make her sit down. I didn’t hesitate between two and three either – I meant it. No ifs, and she learned quickly to sit herself down before three. Actually I applaud you for exercising discipline early. I think Owen will be better for it.
For a great book on this subject, you should check out “One, two, three, magic!” It’s a bit of a modern take-off on the time out theory, and I really thought it had a lot of great guidelines.
I totally agree with Doreen and Karen. I especially like the distinction made between “punishment” and “teaching,” which is what I think you were doing. Lots of child care books talk about the fact that discipline really is about teaching kids the right/acceptable/civilized way to behave.
Think of the alternative in this situation, if you had done nothing that would actually stop the behavior. Owen would probably still be hitting you and getting the message that it’s okay. One way or another he’s going to get a message, so it’s up to you to decide which one he’ll get. Most important is that you taught him this lesson in a calm, loving way. You didn’t hit him back (which I think sends the wrong message) or lose your temper and scream at him, which would only terrify him.
I think what’s great is that you did this, responding to what you know about your child.
I just read this and really wanted to respond, but after hearing other people’s answers, I know I will be out of a job soon. I think they are right on, especially with the nonviolence, being consistent, the action before you were angry, and the idea that this is teaching, not punishing. The only thing I would add is to understand your goal. You are not going to prevent this age from acting out and having tantrums. It is impossible (if anyone figures it out, call Oprah). You are teaching proper behavior so that this child at 4 years old is not doing the same thing. Don’t be distressed when this scenario takes place again.
-Erik Cohen, MD
Next Generation Pediatrics
my son is 9 months old and a total crier he cries all day and night all the time constantly
my husband thinks its ok to slap him in his face and hands and his butt
i dont think he understands
please help